So where do we go from here?

Hi everyone! Happy exam week to those in high school, and to the rest of you… you’re just out of luck. I hope this post finds you well, and good things are coming your way.

I’m not sure where this post will end up, or what the purpose of it is; I think it’s more of a rant. Lately I find myself facing too many things all at once, the saying when it rains, it pours has never had a more clear meaning. Things were so calm, and so blissful and then it all went kapoot from there.

How exactly do I describe the feelings right now? Uncertainty. I have always been one to like knowing what was coming, to know what to expect, to always have things plans. The idea of uncertainty and not knowing drives me over the edge. It doesn’t matter if it is life threatening, or won’t impact me at all I just need to know; my inner perfectionist showing it self. I don’t know how to compose myself and make myself believe that sometimes not knowing is better than knowing. It’s good for the unknown to creep its way into your life it keeps you on your toes. Life is a learning experience and if everything was supposed to be known and able to be predicted then it wouldn’t be worth living. Right?

At the moment I’m faced with decisions; and decisions I have to make on my own. Why on my own? Simply because I’m too afraid to let anyone else into my mindset, my thought process; I will only go so far. I rely too much on other people for comfort, for decisions, for reassurance… and I shouldn’t! I need to be confident in the decisions I make for myself and be certain that they are the best ones for me. Yet I always seem to find myself crawling back to one or two people to tell me that it’s okay. It has always been my comfort blanket to know I have someone to catch me when I fall, but now I’m standing by myself faced with so many opportunities in front of me and I find myself paralyzed by fear wondering, “where the hell do I go from here?” Unintentional rhyme.

So, I’m frustrated. I feel as if I’ve pushed myself into this icky place between a rock and a hard spot. I don’t want to ask for help to get out, but I fear that I need it. I’m hoping for answers soon to the uncertainty, I’m hoping that this is a learning experience for me and I do benefit from it… rather than come out traumatized.

The future is creeping up way too fast it seems like just yesterday I was only enrolling in high school… now I’m enrolling in university. As you grow up you gain independence, you gain knowledge, you gain maturity. All of these things are completely beneficial, but of course they do have that dreaded down side. You suddenly understand new fears; you understand what the consequences of your choices may be. It’s terrifying. You understand all of the injustices that this world has in every single step you take.

I feel like I have been all over the place in my thoughts today. But in summary… I’m scared. I’m scared that I will make a mistake and it will end miserably. I’m scared to face the world alone, to face that world alone. I know the world is full of people that are willing to help in any way they can. I have been ultimately blessed to have the greatest support system fighting by my side, and I appreciate every single one of you. There are just some walks that you have to take on your own. I’m ready to enter the fight once again; and I’m ready to do whatever I have to do.  Strength doesn’t come easy these days, but hope does.

I will get by…. somehow? Deep breath.

4 months ago  /  0 notes

2011 at it’s finest

Hi everyone! 

I feel so bad that I haven’t updated since July… I honestly have no excuse. But I do have a lot to say and I hope that I say it all, my mind works faster than I can work with sometimes so it’s hard. It will be scrambled, it probably won’t make sense, some of it will be negative, some of it will be positive, I’ll whine a bit, I’ll be thankful, I’ll sulk a bit. I can’t promise you the best blog post ever, but I can promise you brutal honesty. 

I don’t want to update you on my life because I feel like that isn’t necessary. If you follow me on twitter you get multiple updates a day and I think that my twitter followers know me just as well as I know myself at this point because I tweet my every thought. Which I suppose is both a pro and con in itself. 

Alrighty here we go with what is really on my mind, take this with a grain of sugar because this one is going to need some sweetness. Here goes. 

I have been having an extremely hard time getting into the holiday spirits this year. And the source? Everything. Sure there’s all the good of spending time with your family, and all the gifts, and love, and cookies, and snow (which didn’t show up until after Christmas in Ontario…thank you mother nature), and whatever else your holidays consist of. I was so beyond grateful this year to have everyone around me, to be able to enjoy Christmas, and gifts, and cookies, and turkey, and I didn’t enjoy snow because I never do. 

Deeper than that… I hated it. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of what people didn’t have, and what could have been. 1 year old Saoirse lost her battle with cancer 3 weeks ago, and I can’t imagine what her family is going through—and the difficulty they had just trying to smile let alone celebrate Christmas without her. My best friend Tay is 15 and fighting renal cell carcinoma, a rare form of cancer. Her scans showed growth in all of her tumours, she started a chemotherapy regimen. She went on vacation to Atlanta, and ended up admitted at CHoA because of blood clots in her legs, liver and other places from this chemotherapy. Her Christmas eve? She had surgery to remove these blood clots. She was surrounded by family for Christmas, and got lots of gifts, but her Christmas was also filled with pain. How is someone supposed to enjoy Christmas after they just buried their son or daughter? Or celebrating another holiday without a loved one? Or fighting through the pain, and trying to keep your eyes open from the grogginess of the pain medication? Or sitting on a drip of chemotherapy trying to fight the nausea? How can anyone who’s sitting at home with their families not want to be there and enjoy every single moment, knowing that there is someone out there who isn’t as fortunate as you are? 

But the bigger question on my mind… Why does God let this happen? I know I’m not supposed to question the higher power, and his doings. I know he does things for a reason, but what reason could there possibly be for the pain and suffering of people this way? I can’t think of one and my heart breaks for everyone who has to suffer. I wish I could take it all away, and give them an enjoyable Christmas free of heartache and pain. 

As always we have to look at the beauty in life, it’s always there if we look for it. Though I was having a very hard time trying to find the beauty, on December 27th at 8:06 am Ava Shoal Potvin came into the world and reminded me of it. If you know me, you’ve heard me talk of Ellie. Ellie was 8 years old when she lost her battle to rhabdomyosarcoma on June 23rd. Amy, Tim and twin sister Grace have been continuously showing true strength as they spread Ellie’s glory along through the birth of the Lift Up Foundation. I was so thrilled when Ava’s coming was announced. She truly is the most beautiful baby and I am so grateful to Ellie, and to God for blessing them with this sweet little girl.

Now I’m sitting in my room, on New Years Eve. Angry at myself for sitting here and not being with my family, but I just can’t find it in me to go celebrate it. I’m looking back on the past year and I’m realizing what obstacles I’ve been through, and how much I’ve grown and come to realize. All the people I’ve met, and the places I’ve been, and it all awes me. But it makes me equally angry. People say that with the new year coming it’s a chance for new beginnings, and new opportunities but in reality… it’s not. It’s just a continuation of what has been before. We are still going to have to fight our battles, we’re still going to have the occasional reasons to smile, we’re still going to make mistakes, we’re still going to learn. Every day will still be just another day. If you want to change something, I believe it’s up to you to change it. Not the New Year. If there are things that you can’t change, then accept them, and find the beauty in the situation because there always is one. I feel that this past year has been dull. I feel unfulfilled because I haven’t been able to do anything that I wanted to do. Despite efforts to change the world or even someones life, I don’t think I have in any way whatsoever. Accomplishments that I have achieved seem so very little compared to what lies ahead, and the intentions I had. 

I think sometimes people say things just to say them, not because they genuinely mean them. I sincerely believe that’s what the problem with today’s society is. It’s composed of empty sayings, empty promises, and empty hope. 

My new years resolution is to be able to look at everything in a new light, if there’s something wrong with the situation I will fix it instead of complaining, childhood cancer will not go unnoticed this year, I will change a life—or lives, I will be the reason someone smiles……..and I’ll stop biting my nails. 

Post a comment, send me a message, I want to know what your new years resolutions are! And I want to know if you intend to stick to them. 

I’m sorry for the length and dryness of this post. I don’t know if I lifted spirits or crushed them, but I promised you honest and I gave you honest. 

I hope this New Year brings you all good health, happiness, family, friends, wealth, joy, and all things absolutely wonderful to you. I love you all! 

Bring it on 2012! 

Sabrina

5 months ago  /  0 notes

You’re fighting some great war you fear you’re going to lose

Hey everyone!

It has been way, way too long since my last post. I’ve been trying to think up topics of what I could possibly ramble about I have had so much to say I just don’t have enough words to say it. My mind rambles and so do I… it’s like I’m at war with myself.

It is September! That means it’s childhood cancer awareness month! Those of you who have me on BBM, or Facebook, or Twitter are probably beyond sick of me. But toooo baaadddd. 46/7! Don’t know what it is? Every day 46 kids are diagnosed with cancer. They enter a new world full of hospitals, of needles, of no hair, of chemo, of tubies, of radiation, of scans, and of pain. But alongside those 46, there are also 7 kids who die from cancer. 7 kids who take their last breath after fighting for their lives. Childhood cancer is the #1 killer of kids, yet it recieves less than 4% government funding. WHAT? I don’t get it either. Every 4 hours a child with cancer dies..tick…tick…tick…………..

So change that. Lets go GOLD for the kids, wear the ribbon, wear a bracelet, tell a story, say a prayer. Let’s be the voices for these kids. My contribution? I am selling “S.A.B. - Strong And Brave” silicone bracelets for $2.00 each. If you’re interested in buying a few, e-mail sabrinasmiracle@gmail.com

This was short but I’m off to do homework…………………………………………sigh.

I will post more of my usual post as soon as I get the chance to. I love you all!

I hope the week to come is stress free for everyone.

8 months ago  /  0 notes

Anonymous asked: Hope is everything.

Amen

8 months ago  /  0 notes

I think the thing to do, is enjoy the ride while you’re on it.

Helloooo and happy July to everyone. Happy Canada Day to those in Canada and Happy 4th of July to those in America. Tomorrow is… Happy cholecystectomy day to me. In other words, my gall bladder is coming out. As many times as I’ve done this before it still scares the crap out of me. So the following post is probably not going to be the greatest.

Quite honestly I think I’m going to keep this short. I feel if I made this long I would be cheating you. My heart, and mind aren’t into this tonight and instead in the gutter. The strange thing about this all is that I’m not scared of being put under, or all of the normal things. I’m scared of saying goodbye. That final moment when I hug my parents “goodbye”, that anxiety. That’s what scares me. The unknown of the situation. I know it’s a temporary goodbye but there’s always that risk. It just scares me, and it hurts.

I feel like I have over analyzed the situation, which has made my anxiety that much worse. When I had my appendix removed it was the morning of they told me it was happening and within 20 minutes I was whisked away. I didn’t have time to think about it, now I have nothing to do but sit and think about it. People have always told me that the mind has the ability to do great things. I strongly believed that. But I never really completely understood how the mind can make a situation so much worse.

I’ll lay this post to rest tonight. Mark this in the books as my last post with a gall bladder. Please continue the prayers. I want to thank each and every one of you for lifting my spirits and supporting my messy life through blogging. It makes me feel so good to hear these compliments and just know that I shed insight somewhere. It truly is my goal and my pleasure to be able to do that.

For those of you on twitter, I apologize for the vulgarity that may show up tomorrow. I will update you soon.

I love you all!

Sabrina

11 months ago  /  0 notes

Anonymous asked: What is true strength?

How do we define strength? How do we measure it? As I told you yesterday, you are true strength under any definition or measure.

I don’t know what you are going through, exactly, but I know it is painful. It saps your spirit. It makes you pissed off. It hurts you. Yet through it all you persevere. You worry about others. You try to shine the light of happiness into an otherwise dark and dreadful place. If that isn’t strength I don’t know what is.

I don’t have your strength. My life has been relatively easy. Sure, I have my aches and pains and heartbreaks. But I don’t get my rear end kicked every day like you do and keep coming back for more.

I wanted to take a look at quotes about strength as I wrote this. I found a few that are pertinent.

“Strength is Happiness. Strength is itself victory. In weakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage a struggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless of the short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing to struggle is proof of your victory as a human being.” Daisaku Ikeda

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” Mahatma Gandhi

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”

And that is what I see in you Sabrina. Continued struggle. Holding it together. An indomitable will to help others. But most of all I see love. I see the love in all that you write. I see your love for others facing the same uncertain future as you. And in that love lies your true strength.

Your writing about destiny and control struck a chord with me because it is something I have thinking about lately. I have a few special people in my life right now that I care about deeply. We met under unlikely circumstances. Were we destined to meet? Was it simply random chance? Did I have some control over our meeting? The romantic in me thinks it was destiny but the realist in me thinks was a combination of all three.

You wrote:

“You don’t control what type of day you have, or how life plays out, or if you break up with your boyfriend, or get into a fight with your best friend. But you can control how you treat that. You can choose to be upset, but you can also choose to apologize, fix it, or not let it get to you. You can choose to change.”

Some people do control what type of day they are going to have by remaining upbeat and positive no matter what they face. You control whether you are going to break up with your boyfriend or get into a fight with your best friend. You can’t control whether he breaks up with you or your friend initiates a fight with you. For that you can only control your reaction.

I know some people who believe that their life is preordained so it doesn’t matter what they do, it has already been decided. That is a good way of not taking any responsibility for their life. Other people take great care with what they eat, what they do, exercise and live a healthy and safe life and end up getting hit by a car while waiting at a bus stop as happened in my city last week. Was that her destiny? None of us knows.

Even if our life is predestined, we can still choose how we want to live that life. I like the bumper sticker I’ve seen: “Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth.” I’m trying to do that now. As an incredibly shy person I could never do that but I’ve finally realized on how much I have missed out on life.

One last quote for you: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Mark Twain

You, my dear, are a very talented writer and a person of great strength. I’m so happy that you are back writing on your blog and I hope you will continue to do so. You have so many wonderful things to say and those who only know you through your words are blessed to read them. So please explore, dream and discover and share the results with us.

I’m absolutely speechless. Speech-less. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. This has been my intention, and my mission right from the start in all that I write. You have captured, twisted, wrapped it up, and delivered it right back to me. Thank you for your kind, kind words.

It’s words like this, and people like you that keep me going, and add give me the fuel to keep trucking forward. Thank YOU for your strength.

I hope that whatever I write can somehow help you in ways you have helped me with this post. Thank you for reading the blog, and dealing with all of the messiness and sometimes babbling. I am so grateful.

Again, no words.

Thank you so much!

Sabrina

11 months ago  /  0 notes

Life is an unanswered question

But let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of said question.

Cool, huh? I finished the title in the blog. Yeah, it was just too long so I broke it up I do hope people understand that. I’m back, after weeks I have finally picked myself up off the floor, slapped myself in the face, and gotten back on my two feet and my typing fingers. I did not do all this alone, it was because of all of the incredible people in my life that I like to call my friends. You all know who you are, thank you.

This post may not be rainbows and butterflies, and it may not make you chuckle. But I’m being ‘for reals’ with everyone because I know that out there there are people going through the same thing I did and am still getting over. I want them to know that they aren’t alone. And brace yourselves for the most cliche statement ever, things get better.

I had one of those long periods of time where things continued to get worse, even when you thought they couldnt… yeah it did. And it just continued to get worse, and worse as you sat by the water side just kicking your legs and waiting for things to get to the point where it just has to get better. After every tear you’d shed, and every fit you’d through, and every prayer you said it some how just. got. worse. Where you felt so alone but you were surrounded by people, where you had no where to turn because you were just completely stuck and frustrated. I can’t even find the words to describe the pain and sadness I felt. But I hope that no one, including myself ever has to feel that way again.

I wish I had some inspirational stuff to say but I don’t. It’s just lifes way of playing games with us and trying to remind us whos in charge.

The way I look at it, is there’s two types of people in this world. Those who let destiny control… well their destiny, or those who take control and run their own lives. Now I’m not saying there is a right or wrong way to look at situations and hardships, not in any way. I’m saying that people who believe they can control every aspect of their lives, or control nothing at all are naive. Sure you can control what clothes you wear, what shoes you wear, but you cannot control what happens to you. You do not decide if you’re going to get a cold one day, and cancer the next you do not decide to have 4 tests on one day, and a summative. You do not decide that tomorrow is going to be the worst day ever. However those who believe that the colour you wear today is the colour that just happened to be chosen for you to wear, you end up being the career you want because thats what your genes tell you to be. It’s naivity (if thats a word). You don’t control what type of day you have, or how life plays out, or if you break up with your boyfriend, or get into a fight with your best friend. But you can control how you treat that. You can choose to be upset, but you can also choose to apologize, fix it, or not let it get to you. You can choose to change.

So am I being a hypocrite here? In some sense, yes. I can say that me crying about all the bad that has happened, and the not-so-happy tweets, have all been a result of me just waiting for things to get better. A friend of mine, told me one of the best pieces of advice I’m sure I’ll ever get. But before I tell you, here I go rambling just a little bit more.

People say that you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. I agree with this in so many ways, I think we all underestimate ourselves at some point or another and our strength. But what does it mean to be strong? I’m sure I covered this in my other Emma post, but I will say it again. What is strength? What does it mean when people say to you, that you are so strong. Does it mean that you can lift 350 pounds with a finger? Does it mean that you can put up a front and pretend everythings okay even when it’s not? He told me,

“True strength is not about ignoring your fears. True strength is about falling to them, succumbing to them, and then rising above them”

So what does this mean? To me…

It’s okay to hate what’s happening, it’s okay to cry, and scream, and mope, and lay on the floor, and it’s okay to not want to change it. BUT it isn’t okay to let that destroy you, and define you. Regardless of how much the “punch of life” hurts, we’re allowed to mope but life goes on; we need to stand up. Just like when we were children and we fell, we cried, we put the bandaid on it and we moped, but we got right back up. It doesn’t have to happen instantly, or within a week, or a month, but at some point or another we can gather up the power to stand up and realize that things do get better.

I ramble. So for my faithful followers, I leave you with the question: Selon vous (to you), what is true strength?

Leave a comment, send me a message, e-mail me, do whatever you please. I want to hear it. I will update at some point this week about my Ellie, exams, and something else that starts with an E because it’s ridiculously fitting.

Lots of love and blessings to you all

12 months ago  /  2 notes

rlcsurf asked: How can we help you find the words and the willpower to say what you want to say?

Wow, that’s a good one. I think it’s more a matter of a personal journey, and in no way am I shutting myself off and denying any help anyone may give me. I believe that it’s a matter of me finding it in me to be able to let it all out and not hold back. I love my friends, and each person I’ve encountered on twitter have all helped me in ways I can’t begin to say. I’ve already taken many steps with expressing myself. I think everyone should continue what they’re doing, I don’t want anyone to change for my own benefit. I’m already so grateful for everything I have been given, each piece of advice, and each ear I’ve been lent.

12 months ago  /  0 notes